Be Selfish.

Jack Johnson

Zac Brown Band

The Icarus Account

Nicki Minaj 

Matt Nathanson

Skrillex

The Beatles

Enter The Haggis

Diplo

N*Sync

...Honestly, WHAT PERSON LIKES ALL OF THESE ARTISTS?! (Shamelessly guilty. If you like every single one listed, marry me please.)

This is probably the reason no one lets me control the radio in the car... And this is also the reason why I tend to enjoy solo road trips. No one can judge my constant changing from one style to another... whether the song is over or not. Sometimes you just gotta go from Flo Rida to Jack Johnson, yo.

Today, I had to take a break. I had an absolute, complete, 100% meltdown. #SeniorYear

This morning started out like any other day

*cue getting-ready montage complete with dancing in front of the mirror sans pants*

Some of you are aware, I'm sure, that I have been on a, needless to say, frustrating journey with my health as of late. Because my body decided it wanted to be difficult (jk it was probably stress-induced), I cannot process certain sugars. If you have any remote knowledge of nutrition, you know that forms of sugar are in literally everything we eat. If I eat something my body can't process, my belly gets so distended and bloated that I can barely button my jeans, I get upper abdominal cramps that have had me doubled over on multiple occasions and sent to the ER once, and other more minor symptoms occur. These symptoms can last anywhere from hours to days and I sometimes notice it within minutes of eating something I shouldn't have. I saw our registered dietician on campus, and after hearing about three sentences, she gave me a diagnosis and a sheet of paper that told me what I need to stay away from.

Here is my list of things I cannot have (at least until my body calms down):

• Dairy and dairy derivatives
• Soy and soy derivatives
• Gluten
• Eggs (including egg whites)
• Dried fruit
• Sweet potatoes
• Whole grains (because of the husks)
• Mangos
• Raspberries
• Onions and onion powder
• Garlic and garlic powder
• Caffeine
• Various other fruits and veggies

So as you can see that's a pretty extensive list of things. Most of which are included in just about every processed food. Notice that meat and chocolate were not on the list? (THANK. GOD.) I have to follow a specific diet called the low FODMAPS diet, but that's a total shot in the dark, honestly. A few foods it says I can't eat, I actually can, and vice versa. (This diet makes it really fun to go on dates..."Dinner? Sure! I can't eat anything on that menu. You eat. I'll watch.") Also, finishing out college without caffeine is like... gold medal worthy. So if you are coming to my graduation, I expect a trophy that says "Degree without caffeine. First place."          Take note.

I digress. Having this "condition", if you will, would be shitty for anyone to encounter at any phase of their life. I am in my last few weeks of my last semester in college and I was diagnosed. So stress on top of stress because of stress. So what happens today?

Stress.

Betchya didn't see that coming.

The other day, I found these AWESOME protein powder packs made by Vega that are not only delicious, but they have all "safe" ingredients that won't hurt my stomach. I had one yesterday morning and one this morning for breakfast. After I noticed some minor joint swelling and overall puffiness and itchiness, I thought I was having allergies from the weather outside. Everything is blooming and gorgeous and pollinating, so "hello allergies", right? I took some non-drowsy allergy meds and went to dance that night. I didn't give it a second thought. When I had another one this morning, I was sitting in the office eating some nuts while working on a project and I started to feel my hands and face puff up and get itchy. And then I realized this wasn't seasonal allergies. I woke up feeling perfectly fine. I was having an allergic reaction to something. (REALLY hoping it's not nuts...) I started breaking out in hives, and about 30 minutes later I was having upper-respiratory difficulties.
 So here I was, itching from head to toe, so puffy that my rings were hard to get off (I have tiny fingers and my rings are always sliding around), an itchy throat, shortness of breath, and alone. Everyone I knew was at work, in class, or in Florida.

I went home, took another Benedryl, and laid on the couch for about three hours letting the doubled-up meds do their job.

When the sleepiness wore off, I ventured out to the hardware store.  Halfway there, I realized that it was a phenomenally gorgeous day and I should not be doing stuff I NEED to do. I had all my pressing assignments done, clients were contacted, meetings were over, etc. so there wasn't anything I truly had to do. I got what I needed and headed to the Blue Ridge Parkway.

I texted my mom that I was going to turn my phone off because I had to go take a drive and clear my mind. Appropriate mommy reaction was for her to immediately call me.

Do you remember when you were a kid and, as kids do, you would fall down and skin your elbow on the pavement? It stung, sure, but once you saw your mom or dad, you started crying as though you were about to have a limb amputated. I still react that way when I talk to my mom. She knew something was wrong (call it a momma's intuition). The minute she said "Are you okay? Your text had me a little worried", I'm pretty sure I looked exactly like this:

As I was driving onto the ramp that lead to the gate of the parkway, someone in front of me was going slow. And I realized then that I was actually rushing to relax. I was rushing to just... breathe. I'm so used to (as the rest of America is) rushing from one thing to another. I've found myself hurrying in places where I don't really need to hurry... such as to a relaxing drive. And yet, there I was. Blood pressure spiking, anger forming, just because someone was going 3 mph below the speed limit. How dare they!!

I immediately stopped myself from getting angry, and focused on being present, listening to the next random ass song play from my phone. It was "Proud" by The Icarus Account. That was a sign like none other. That song always makes me tear up a little but because I was just crying to my mom on the phone, when that song started playing, I began bawling. Like child-that-thinks-their-arm-is-about-to-be-amputated bawling. After that song, "Forever Young" by Rod Stewart came on and I just kept on crying... that's my mom's song to me and my brother. Not a chance in the world I will ever, ever skip that song when it comes on. My brother and I have the lyrics framed on our walls, he danced with my mom at his wedding to the song, etc.

There I was, driving on a winding, sunny, empty mountain road 2,500 feet in the sky, feeling angry, defeated, helpless, confused, and still slightly itchy. I was thinking "I'm already so limited in my diet, and now I had an allergic reaction to something I thought was safe. I have less than two weeks to turn everything in and complete my Bachelor's Degree. I don't have a job lined up yet. My dad probably won't make the effort to come see me graduate, and if he does, he will spin it so I feel guilty about it... again."

Every emotion hit me at once.

With swollen eyes and a defeated soul, I just kept driving. 

I kept changing the song because nothing felt right. 

Ludacris to The Mulligan Brothers to a heavy jig. 

I pulled onto one of the many overlooks and put my car in park. It was pretty quiet because not many people were out for joyrides during rush hour on a Tuesday.

I got out, sat on the pavement for about 10 minutes, and just listened to the quiet. No music. No traffic. No cell phones. Just the wind. The wind, the birds, the buzzing of bugs, the soft whisper of summer creeping in. I looked out over the mountains, over Asheville, over the two years I've spent here. A few cars slowed down to look but didn't stop, and I thought to myself... "these people are just slowing down to see the sights. How often do we stop, really let go of our constantly-processing mind, and just listen to the wind blow?" So after that, every thought that came into mind, I would just let it float on by without entertaining it one bit. But one thought came to mind and stuck no matter how hard I tried to let it go. 

"If I had not moved here two years ago, what would my life be like?"

 ||Would I be more stressed?||

||Less stressed?||

||Would I still be in Florida?||

||Would I have learned the same lessons?||

||Would I have had to make the same tough decisions?||

||Would I have been offered the same opportunities?||

I stopped myself because that's all irrelevant. I am here. I am now. I exist now because I made those decisions two years ago. And, despite the many, many peaks and valleys, I am so, so happy with my decision in retrospect.

The closer I get to moving away from the mountains, the more I realize how much I have fallen in love with them. I noticed myself aching to stay in the beauty that was surrounding me in that moment for another two years, but at the same time craving the salty spray of the ocean that my phone background shows. 

After taking the picture above, I drove away. Just up the road, I saw a side road that was accessible to the public. I went down and realized quickly that this was a very long, very steep, very windy road with literally NO places to turn around. If you've ever driven on the Dragon's Tail in Tennessee, this was just as bad if not worse. No one else was venturing down it with me ... or back up for that matter. So on one hand, my adventurous side kicked in and I loved seeing how fast I could comfortably take the curves (Only about 20 mph), but on the other hand, I didn't like the energy of where I was going. The trees were getting taller, I had literally a WHOLE MOUNTAIN just above me, and I didn't know where this road would end (the "POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS" tape between two trees didn't help), so I turned around. Just like that. I didn't like where I was going, so I changed my path. And the song. Again.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . 

 

I'm sitting here with the remnants of an Arctic Zero pint of Cookies and Cream, and my second (*cough* fourth *cough*) glass of two-buck-chuck, my eyes are still puffy from crying so hard, and I am beyond exhausted. I keep volleying between feeling guilty about canceling all my clients, missing a meeting, and missing class today, and understanding that being selfish is OKAY. How else does the world expect us to give it what it needs if we can't take care of ourselves? Today, it was a double-dose of Benedryl, watching three episodes of Scrubs, then taking a drive, crying my eyes out, shopping, and cooking dinner. That's what I call taking care of myself. I don't have the luxury of getting a massage or going to the beach or going on vacation or even seeing an allergist. But I do have the luxury to make do with what I have right here, right now. So I did.

I was reading the last few chapters of my Yoga Girl book last night (she is my hero) and the last few lines I read heavily resonated with me, so I'll leave you with them too...

"One of the most important rules that I live by is this: "To love others, you must first love yourself." You have to give yourself all the care you need! It's not just okay to be selfish, it's a necessity. If you run out of steam, how are you ever going to be of service to the world?"

(...and...)

"Where are you right now? Focus on what's happening inside yourself right at this moment. Your life is where you are. Notice your surroundings. Notice the sounds you hear, the sensations, the smells. Focus on the flow of your breath. Feel your feet on the ground, the chair beneath you, the clothes on your skin, the beating of your heart. Right now, in this moment, reading these words, you are okay.

You. Are. Okay. Everything is fine."

And I closed the book and went to bed with her words echoing in my mind.