You Are Infinitely Stronger Than You Imagine

As a lot of you know, I have struggled with anxiety for many years. I mean, this stuff dates back to when I was 5, clinging to the front door frame of my mom's house, screaming and crying, and being pried away by my dad for his weekly visitation. My current battle with anxiety started with my separation anxiety from when I was a wee one. I have overcome it, fallen back into it, and overcome it so many times that it's now hard to trust myself when I think I'm finally overcoming it for good. I was really okay when I was in my mid-teens, but after a break up that turned my world upside down, I spiraled back into it, worse than I had ever been. It has taken years and a lot of therapy to get my mind back to a normal amount of regular anxiety (i.e. car payments, food, gas, broken dogs, etc. Normal stuff, ya know?)

I have always noticed that my anxiety gets worse before every big trip I make. Whether it be to Orlando (a two-hour drive) or to Mexico... where I will be flying to in two days for a fab vacation. Hence this post, and hence my current anxiety.

The past few days have been weird. I'm exhausted, slightly nauseous constantly, and I can't decide if I have a sore throat. This is the epitome of my anxiety... worrying that I will get sick before I go, so then I have to travel while sick, or get sick there and not be able to enjoy myself. I'm basically making myself sick with the fear that I will get sick. It's all psychological and the mind is powerful enough that it's affecting me physically.

This is one of my biggest fears. It stems from a horrible experience with my dad yelling at me for throwing up in a restaurant when I was 10. I know where it comes from, but it doesn't help knowing. I know it's anxiety and I'm not actually sick, but this knowledge doesn't help either. It's still there. I still have anxiety.

When I'm out of my comfort zone I have these constant mini panic attacks. They used to be bad enough that I would carry a plastic bag with me just in case I had to throw up. I never used even one. I don't get sick to my stomach easily. Ever. (Thank god.) *knocks on wood* But it eased my mind to know that just in case, I had it there. Instead of a safety blanket, it was my safety plastic bag...?

It all came to a head during a certain time. There was no one occurrence that made me realize I had to change some things. I just knew. I didn't want to look back on my 20's and remember my panic attacks. I wanted to remember the amazing times. It was time to change. So I took control.

I thought of this idea from seeing all the motivational memes and pictures on Pinterest. (Some amazingly inspiring shit is on there, guys. Go explore it.)

Well I saw all these quotes and sayings, and I started pinning the ones that really spoke to me so I could see them again eventually. But I knew this wouldn't be enough. I needed to see these words daily. Multiple times daily. So I wrote them down on little snippets of paper and started taping them all over my house in places I knew I would see them daily. I even put one in my car.

These were some of my favorites:
"You are infinitely stronger than you imagine."
"Keep moving forward." (I put it on my dashboard. It confused every one who got in my car. Definitely funny!)
"You might be Jesus to someone."
(Ok. No, I don't think myself a prophet. I cannot walk on water. I cannot feed 500 people with a loaf of my gluten-free bread. To me, it means I might be an idol or a role model for someone, and I might not know it.)

Seeing these every day and repeating them to myself when I saw them really reassured me and made me realize that I can be as strong as I want to. As cliche and tacky as it sounds, I hold the power to recovery.

I've done it before, and I will do it again. This will be a life-long struggle with anxiety, but like I said, we are so much stronger than we imagine.

No matter the level of anxiety, we are strong enough to overcome it. It's hard, but oh my god is it worth the fight.