Most people know about my history of body dysmorphia/eating disorders/anxiety, etc. so it's no surprise that that is what is on my mind a lot of the time. (Or everyday, if I'm being honest.)
I went to the gym tonight briefly to feel like I did something. While doing my little curtsy squats, I saw a small young woman set up camp in the area where I was. Well, by "set up camp", I mean she stood there...
She was pretty (seemingly naturally) petite, meaning she didn't have to work hard to have a small waist and thin arms and legs. So, good for her for working out and getting stronger. I didn't think anything of her presence until I saw her turn to the side and clearly start checking herself out. Lifting up her boxy black shirt, she turned to one side, looked at her abdomen, felt the very small bit of fat that her leggings didn't contain, turned to the other side, did the same thing. Stood with her legs in a purposeful thigh-gap-creating position, cocked her head to one side, then the other. This went on for about 2 minutes before she started working out.
Now, hear me out, I'm all for checking my progress in the mirror alone in the bathroom by myself in my home alone... alone. That's just my preference. But go for it. Seriously. You're not offending anyone by checking yourself out in the mirror at a crowded gym - in fact, more power to you because I couldn't do that without feeling weird. Confidence level = 100.
Normally, looking at your swollen muscles in the gym mirror isn't all that uncommon, especially if you're a bro. But it's much more uncommon and more poorly received if you're a woman - but that's just stupid societal gender stereotyping which is an entirely different topic to talk about another day.
Other than her looking at her already-quite-flat stomach, I didn't notice anything odd. What did catch my eye though was the look on her face.
She was judging herself so hard. And it broke my heart.
Now I wonder if I've ever made that face in front of someone else ... or ever. It was awful to see this very becoming young lady look at her anatomically perfect body with such disdain. She didn't seem all too confident in her fitness skills, and she kept glancing over at me and another girl who were playing with some kettle bells in the corner. I just wanted to hug her and tell her she was beautiful and strong and so, so wanted in whatever body she was given. And give her a pointer or two on squatting.
Again, let me reiterate that I know how hypocritical I sound right now. It kind of made me want to smack myself across the cheek. Why am I pitying her and wanting to help her when I have similar thoughts about my own body? Why do I feel the need to fix my "imperfect" body when it works pretty well?
How dare I ever have a look like that on my face. How dare any woman think she is inadequate. She was there at the gym - that counts as something. She was doing a decent job by herself - that counts as something. And I saw her. I saw her look like a normal woman at the gym. And then I saw her fragility. Her vulnerability. Her frustration with her own skin. Her own fat. Her own "imperfections". To anyone else, they are just the opposite.
I look at heavier men and women at the gym and without knowing an ounce of their character, why they're there, or what is motivating them to get healthier, I feel so happy that they are there. And after seeing this small woman clearly uncomfortable to be in front of other people, I think I'll start reacting the same way when I see anyone of any size in the gym.
Seeing people care for their amazing machine of a body brings me such joy.
I wish more people would be proud of themselves and the fact that they show up to the gym regardless of the way they currently look. In this world, we can and often are judged solely on first impressions. And those judgements fuel mental illnesses, lack of confidence, body shaming, poor health, and hate. Who knows what lies under that 1/2in of belly fat, that extra 30 lbs, or that extra 130 lbs.
To the girl glaring at her 1/2 in. of belly pouch not contained by her leggings, you are so much more than your body. You are too valuable to be treating yourself like that. I've been in your shoes many, many times. And I still have moments just like that in privacy. It's so hard to see what other people see in us. It's often near impossible. But you have to try. Try.
I don't care who you are, if you take care of your body, it will in turn take care of you.
No matter what your size is, no matter if your leggings contain all of you, no matter if you have 2 tummy rolls or 22 tummy rolls when you sit down, your body is beautiful as is.
Your soul, even more.
Let both of them shine.
No comments:
Post a Comment