|| An Insta-Sabbatical ||

“Oh my god, I wish I could bend like that.”

“You look fantastic! How did you do it?!”

“Now you make me want to go for a run too!”

When I first started making fitness and yoga videos on Instagram, it wasn’t to get followers. It wasn’t to get Likes. I started making them because I wanted to motivate my friends to work out, get healthier, etc. And my friends all wanted to know how I had lost weight. When I became a certified personal trainer, I had the credentials to be posting stuff. And to be frank, it was for my own validation too. I would think to myself, “I DID that!”, “Go me!”, or “Wow look how skinny I am!”

That last one rings loud. 

“Look how skinny I am.”

And then I see myself in the reflection of the bathroom mirror, squeezing my extra fat until I have red marks. I think to myself all the time, 

“I hate this fat. I hate feeling tired. Why can’t it be easier? Why do I have to fight against my genetics? Wait, I used to see my ribs when I took my shirt off. Why can’t I see my ribs anymore??” 

And when I fall off the wagon of maintaining my fitness level, whether or not it’s my fault, it’s a crash and burn when I see myself in a mirror.

So I just filmed my very last Instagram video (for now).

 

The thing about eating disorders is that you can’t always tell physically if the person is suffering. Disordered eating patterns come from the mind, not the body. The often show themselves through the body but are first and foremost a disordered thinking pattern.

I have always been really up front about my struggles with my eating habits and thoughts surrounding food. And through the fitness videos, in hopes of inspiring people to just get up and get moving, I was able to hide those struggles. If you look at my Instagram account, @erinlynnfitness, you will find video clips of my own workouts, healthy recipes, and plenty of healthy (and some not-so-healthy) indulgences. What you don’t see is the stress of my life.

What you don’t see are the hours (yes, literally hours) of looking, re-looking, editing, and re-editing the pictures and videos of myself, cutting out bad angles, all parts where you can see tummy rolls, arm flab, cellulite, etc. Don’t get me wrong, many of them I was proud to post. I would have one of two reactions… 

“I look like THAT?! Wow! I’ve come a long way! I love this body!” 

or

“I need to work on my arms. Ugh look at that belly hanging over those leggings…how did I not feel that flab? I need to go run another mile tomorrow. No dessert for me. What meal can I skip next? CAN I skip a meal? That’s stupid. I need to wear baggier clothing, then no one will know I don’t have a six pack of abs. I call myself a personal trainer?” 

And that’s in the span of about 30 seconds… 

And the first reaction is rare.

I struggle with hating how my body looks and loving what it does. How miraculous are these cool, awkward things we get to experience this life in?! And then we go and bash them? For what? So we can all look like those people in the tabloids who wear four Spanx at a time, eat plain spinach and half a can of tuna and wash it down with lemon and mint-infused water, and go to yoga for three hours a day...and THEN be Photoshopped like a... well, like a celebrity.

I am posting my last video today. Because of my food allergies that I’ve recently discovered, I haven’t been able to work out as often as I am used to because I’ve been in a constant state of reaction or inflammation, so my body kinda sorta hates me. Making it run for three miles is literally the last thing I want to do. So I’ve gained a ton of weight (at least for me it’s a lot). And I need to focus on not only getting back in physical shape, but getting my head out of these awful thought patterns. This is a sabbatical for my brain and my heart, and subsequently my body.Watching myself on video doesn't help. And I need to get my mind right before I get my body right before I give pointers to others about how to live a healthy life. I'm not a good example right now, other than recognizing what I'm doing to myself by these thought patterns.

Eliminating body shaming is something I feel passionate about. And if I want to try and help be one of the millions of people silencing the fat-talk, I need to start with me. How hypocritical I am to feel passionately about something when I can’t get a handle on it for myself. And I hate that. I don’t want to feel fake or like I’m putting on a show or masking the issues I’m dealing with. They’re real. They’re raw. They’re hard. But they’re mine. They’re mine to battle with, work with, and learn to cope with. I may never be completely “cured” of disordered eating patterns or body shaming. But what I can be completely cured of is the thought that I can’t do it. If I always have the idea in my mind that “I can”, then I can and I will.

Struggles are going to come and go in all of our lives. Just when we think we’re on Cloud 9 and we’re in tip top shape in every corner of our amazing lives, something will bring us down to earth. Something will happen to test our faith in ourselves, humanity, the universe. But if we have the mindset of “I can and I will”, that something will be but a blip in our lives. A mere pebble in the road.

Right now I need to work on getting the boulder out of my own winding road. I need to work on buying a pickax and chipping away at my boulder, eventually making it a sandy, soft spot in the road that I can just walk right over, wiggling my toes in, and moving on toward the scenic overviews and beautiful sights of my own life.Will there be "CAUTION: FALLING ROCKS" signs occasionally? You bet your ass there will be. Will I be prepared to look for falling rocks? Sometimes yes, and sometimes no. But that's the excitement of life. Sometimes we're not prepared. And our ability to get through those moments is when our true strength shows through.

|| You are immensely stronger than you imagine ||

I want to help people to get healthier, whether that’s through coaching, inspiring quotes, healthy recipes, or just listening to their story. But in order to do that, I need to have a better mindset for myself. I can’t help anyone if I can’t see down my own road.

So as I sit here in my new loft in my new house in my new city, sweaty from my 0.6 mile run and my 20 mins of yoga, I feel relieved. No, I'm not as healthy as I once was. Yes I have gained weight. But I'm still the same strong character that I always was. Just having a major setback is something I'll look back on and be proud of overcoming.

I can hear the hum of a lawnmower downstairs, I’m listening to some meditation music, and watching some red robins flit in and out of the woods right behind my house. In this moment, I feel like I can finally face this challenge that I have been dealt.

We all have crap that comes back to haunt us occasionally. It’s life. What makes us warriors is that we aren’t afraid to face it again and again and again. Hopefully every time we have to face it, the struggle becomes easier. And the outcome becomes more rewarding.

And for good measure...

|| You are immensely stronger than you imagine ||