I had my second EMDR session today with my therapist. I went in expecting to have the same reactions as I did before, end up with a 4-hour-long hangover afterwards and not be able to study for my exam. I knew what to expect. I have done this once before. There's a pattern to this type of therapy.
Let's rewind a little. A few weeks back, Paul and I decided to go to see Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs II (Hilarious and so, so, SO clever. A definite recommend.) The movie theater we went to is literally one width of a highway away from a local regional airport. I knew this since I have been there before, and I knew that I needed to expect some planes flying all around and landing super close. After the movie, we decided to walk around, window-shop, and people watch (one of our favorite past-times together!) We were crossing the street at a little roundabout, and I heard it. I can hear it before anyone else I know. I heard a plane getting ready to fly over and land. It flew over us, while we walked down the sidewalk. He looked at me, expecting me to get wide-eyed, have trouble breathing, shake, and the most common effect, squeezing the blood from his hand. Nothing happened. He asked if I was okay after I looked up at the plane (ok, so I'm not THAT cured yet...) and I just said a very flippant "yep!" and kept walking and finishing my probably compelling story. I surprised him, and frankly I surprised myself. Why wasn't I freaking out like normal? Why wasn't I embarrassing myself in front of hundreds of people? My track record with this situation is NOT a pretty one.
Fast forward.
I was sitting there in my therapist's sweet little room in a big comfy chair. After the whole check-in that any normal therapist does, she said "so you're sitting in the chair..." (She had asked me after the last session to sit in "the chair" if I wanted to do EMDR and to sit on the couch if I didn't.) I said "yep! Let's do some EMDR." So we did.
Just thinking about the reaction, the fear, the simulated panic, I was starting to tear up just by her talking about what we were going to do. Just by mentioning the situation that I was going to reminisce upon - Mexico in June. Plane flew lower than I've ever seen before. Ran off the volleyball court in a full blown panic attack. Nice and embarrassing to me and my poor boyfriend. So we did things a little differently this time.
First she asked me to think of a different "happy place" than last time. So I remembered this one scene from the movie Just Like Heaven. Reese Witherspoon sitting on a bench in the middle of the most serene garden one can imagine. Thinking of sitting there, smelling the flowers, hearing the trickling waterfall, and feeling the cobblestones under my feet got me out of a very scary panic attack I had a year ago. (I was quite proud of myself, if I do say so)
This wasn't the scene but it's close enough...
So I pictured my mental rendition of this as she moved her fingers back and forth, back and forth, in front of my eyes - the "rapid eye movement" part of EMDR.
With the amount of relaxation I felt, I could have just gotten back from this garden.
Then we started with the scary stuff. As soon as she said we're switching gears, my heart started to beat faster, my breath became shallower, and my torso started to tense up. I was literally bracing myself for what was coming.
So she turns on the little beepy buzzy thing and we start. She tells me to focus on that feeling of "I'm not safe" and it begins.
We went through all the motions and I barely shed a tear as opposed to last time where I was crying so much, I nearly filled my bra up with tears. (Graphic, but hey... I'm only human and sometimes we have to have ugly cries!)
We were both surprised at the lack of emotion I had to the whole session. Yes, I did want to hyperventilate a few times and she had to make me breathe correctly, but still. Even that's an improvement if you read my first post about this therapy.
Maybe I'm being a little too hopeful but what if just one more session cures me? What if I can go to a county fair (because they're ALWAYS next to an airport) and not have to hide under tents the whole time? This will be a HUGE, and I mean MAJOR milestone for me emotionally.
I can't wait to not have to explain to people why I'm flipping out over a stupid plane. The only time that I want to freak out at a plane flying overhead is if:
1. I can see the people's faces... because that's just too low and I shouldn't be that close to a landing plane anyways.
2. A wing is torn off and it's smoking and going to crash, but anyone would freak out at that sight.
I'm hopeful. I'm excited.
On a totally unrelated note, as anyone seen this going-viral pup? His name is Yogurt the Pirate Dog. He's a Chihuahua from Eastern Asia (I don't remember which country...China maybe?), he has one eye, and he can't stop sticking out his tongue. He has thousands and thousands of followers because he is probably THE CUTEST DOG IN THE WORLD. Which is saying a lot. Because I think really, really highly of my puppy's cuteness.
My Jackson:
Yogurt the Pirate Dog (and his instagram):
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And a bloodhound running on the beach...
You're welcome.
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