Until today.
I went to wash my hands after a client in the locker room down the hall from the fitness center. The bathroom is heated to 90 degrees (AKA the surface of the sun) and is very humid from the pool in the next room. Sometimes I despise going in there, but sometimes it feels like I'm being hugged by a freshly-dried blanket out of the dryer.
I wash my hands with soap and water after every single client, much like a doctor does between patients. I am having a great hair day today and I mentally compliment myself on a straightening well done. I had a moment in the bathroom when I stepped back and took a good look at my reflection. I didn't look at the parts of my body that I'm not too happy with. I didn't revel in pride. I just looked. I saw the girl who has fought hard for a long time.
My life for the past 2 years (or so) has been full of roller coaster thrills, and the majority of them not the good, put-your-hands-in-the-air thrills. My health has been tested to such an extent that I had to quit working for a few months. My fitness levels plummeted while I was in treatment. I had a horrible job that perpetuated my declining health. I lost faith in a lot of good things, and for far too long it just felt like I was never going to get out of the cycle of being kicked while I was already down.
Then I took a completely blind leap of faith and moved across the country.
I moved as far as I possibly could away from Florida and still be in the continental United States. There have been some downs while being up here, but that is to be expected after such a big change.
Since October 2014, life around me has been exciting, heartbreaking, thrilling, fun, frustrating, and overall VERY fluctuating. I have seen my bubbly, exuberant, generally-optimistic, fit, energetic self turn into a slightly quieter, tired, duller version. It's been a slow change, but I have looked at myself recently and thought "I didn't used to look like this". No, I'm not depressed. But my facial features changed slightly. Blame it on gaining a little bit of weight, blame it on stress. But my "look" changed.
I washed my hands today after my client at 11:00am. I looked in the mirror, complimented myself on a good hair day, and briefly, in that solitary moment of me alone in the women's locker room, I saw the old me back.
I can feel my life shifting. I can feel myself slowly reverting back to the old me. And it is wonderful.
