A brief history...
4 years ago ... I developed an eating disorder. Because of that short period of losing a crapton of weight (it's a real measurement. look it up.), it has tainted my relationship with food and now is a constant battle.
1 year ago ... I looked and felt the best in my entire life
5 months ago ... I broke up with my boyfriend after finding out that he had cheated on me for almost two years of our 4 year-long relationship
4 months ago ... I developed an absurd amount of food sensitivities and allergies that made it near impossible to continue exercising and eating well, forcing me to cease almost all physical activity, and continue gaining weight regardless of what I ate
3 months ... I was probably crying about some now-obsolete assignment that was due sooner than I thought, ridiculously thinking that I was not going to graduate
7 weeks ago ... I graduated from college with a degree that I never thought I could be so proud of
7 weeks ago ... I moved away from the city that gave me some of the hardest lessons, best experiences, and greatest friends
3 weeks ago ... I started my first job
Two days ago ... I had a hard crash and burn
Conclusion:
I've been through hell the past six months. And there was a lot I didn't list for various reasons.
The reason I listed all of that was to just show you a glimpse of the stress I have been under for the past six months or so. Now, please before you aggressively click out of my post and back onto your nightly Facebook scroll, hear me out. Since January, I have been the most stressed in my entire freaking life. But I know stress varies from person to person. What I believe to be stressful is a snore for the next person. But what someone I'm next to in line at the grocery store may have a stress in their life that I don't understand. We all have our demons. And they are all different. And they are all valid.
When I initially fought the whole "not eating" thing when I was 19, I felt completely repulsed at myself. Not eating? Who am I? I love food. Probably a little too much at times, but dear god I love food. I lost 15 pounds in two weeks. If you don't want to brain, that's about a pound a day that I was losing. (Recommendation is 1-2lbs per week for healthy weight loss). I was terrified. I wasn't choosing to not eat. I couldn't eat for multiple reasons. If I did eat, I would get so nauseous that I couldn't move. But by not eating, I had zero energy and didn't feel like doing anything. I remember one of the worst days in particular, I had about 6 Cheez-Its and half a banana to eat the entire day. Watching the scale drop for me was a mixture of relief because I was FINALLY losing weight, but also terror. When was it going to stop? When could I eat again? When I did start eating again, would I put all the weight back on?
Long story short, I got the help I needed and the rest is history. But some people who go through a pattern like such don't fully recover right away... or ever. Like me. And we sometimes have relapses that are in full force, or baby slip ups. Stress for me tends to trigger some of the, at least, unhealthy thought patterns surrounding food and meals.
Mix that with a new job and about 30 gazillion food allergies, and what do you get? A shit storm of self-hate, sleep-deprivation, and a daily breakfast of plain coconut milk and Flax Seed Flakes cereal. Oh and I have a new bedtime of 8:30pm. Cool. I'm a superdork. (Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my job. Really.)
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A few weeks ago I decided that enough was enough, and I needed a float on the French Broad River with one of my best girlfriends. The stress of starting a new, very physically demanding job, moving, not living in my own place, dealing with the food crap and all, just got to be a little too much.
On my way up to Asheville, I had my Jack Johnson Pandora station playing because ya know, the sunset on a cloudy, rainy, foggy mountain while driving towards a place I know and love just called for some soothing acoustic guitar and Jack's dreamy voice.
Isn't it funny how some things in life just... happen in perfect timing? Like you-know-you-couldn't-have-recreated-it-if-you-tried kind of thing? Somehow it's like the universe just lines it up for you. For your own little mini miracle. It's moments like when you're sitting alone in a restaurant and a beautiful song comes on that you've never heard before, and all at once you realize how delicious the food is that you're eating, how perfect the lighting is, how happy other people are sitting with their friends or family chatting over their meal, and just the magic of the ambiance of the place you are... right then and there. It's moments like when I'm on my way to Asheville for a 24-hour getaway, and I pass over a big hill, and at the exact moment the crescendo hits in the song, I see my first full view of the gorgeous mountains I'm driving towards. And all is well. Just like that.
It's moments like when I'm worrying about everything that's going on in my life, and one line in a song that I listen to regularly somehow clicks in my head and my soul and right then I realize it's a message that God, the universe, the force, whatever... is trying to send me. Everything is going to be okay.
There is a woman at my job who has had a truly life-threatening battle with eating disorders for her whole life. I met with her the other day and we talked about the struggle of continuing on the path of healthy eating, and healthy relationships with food. I told her everything that has happened lately (probably in more detail than she needed to know!), and she looked at me with the utmost understanding, and said "Erin, how often a day do you do something for you?" and I couldn't answer her. I never do something just for me. That's selfish and a waste of time... at least that's what I was taught.
Stress is glorified in our culture these days. But what people don't know is that stress can kill. It's so easy for us to say we don't have time, or we don't want to, or "I'm not stressed, I do yoga!" No matter what we do as stress relievers, we are facing awful circumstances every single day. And trust me, I'm the first to understand that it's not as easy as just closing your eyes and taking deep breaths, or sleeping in, or doing yoga during your lunch break. We all have stressful lives... but why do we have to keep perpetuating the cycle? If you do yoga in the middle of the day and then go straight back to your job at a high-power law firm, doesn't that counteract all the meditation you just did? If you go for a run in the morning, that doesn't mean you can go eat a hamburger and ice cream for lunch. We need to LIVE our practices...not just have moments of "ugh I did it, now I can do this."
So, I'm giving myself homework. Once a day, I will sit down in a quiet area where I feel comfortable, open, and alive, and I will take five deep, life-giving breaths that will emanate through my veins and blood and hair and fingers and toes and energy. (Along with finding a therapist and getting my food allergies on track, but one thing at a time, right?) If we try and tackle every single stressful thing we are facing, our stress-free journey will end up being nothing BUT stress. So do one thing at a time. Maybe that's seeing a counselor/life coach/therapist for the first time. Maybe that's doing yoga and continuing the mind/body connection for the rest of the day. Maybe that's going to bed 30 minutes earlier so you get some much-needed rest. Whatever it is needs to work for you and your stress and your schedule.
Our bodies are made for enjoying the life we're given. Why can't we enjoy our bodies while we enjoy life?
Stay positive, my friends.
It always gets better.
Always.
