I'm alive. I looked at my most recent blog post and it was from JUNE. I guess I've been busier than I thought. If you do read my ramblings, I posted one about a year ago mentioning an irrational fear of planes flying over my head. I said that I was going to do whatever it took to get over that fear...
A quick background if you are already lost. I have a very intense phobia of planes flying over my head. It gets so bad that I've hyperventilated at 80mph and almost driven off the road. I shake uncontrollably, I am crying so hard that I can't breathe, and sometimes I've almost thrown up. It's bad. And it's been in my life since I can remember, complete with a home video of 1-2 year old Erin screaming "Ehpane! Ehpane!" with the familiar buzzing in the background of a plane flying over. So since it's starting to affect my safety along with others safety, I decided with the push of my boyfriend, that I needed to end this. I have to get over this fear before I hurt myself or pass it down to my kids. So I started looking for a therapist about a year ago.
You know what helps getting over fears? Therapists that actually listen to you. Even though I never posted a follow-up like I said, it was because I couldn't find a damn therapist who could work with me. I felt really alone and like no one had ever heard of an irrational fear before. Other people have to have phobias or there wouldn't be a word for it. Most of the therapists I had been to before now either didn't know how to approach the phobia and said they couldn't help me or said "it's because you're angry at your dad". Yes, this fear appeared at a year old because I was angry at Dad for not giving me my mac n' cheese in the right bowl.
Here's my very belated follow-up...
Before I moved up here to the Smoky Mountains (UNCA), my mom found a little blurb on a business card or something that said "Open doors you never knew existed". Boy howdy, was that true. And is continuing to be true.
I went to the Health and Counseling Center to not only find a counselor for normal counselor superpowers, but I wanted to find someone who would be willing to help me tackle this strange phobia. I was recommended this one counselor who was said to do EMDR therapy for phobias. I had never heard of it before, but it sounded legit, so I set up an appointment. No harm in simply trying anything, right?
Here's what EMDR is... *clears throat in a scholarly fashion*
(If you read it with a British accent, you feel SUPER smart.)
"Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is a
comprehensive, integrative psychotherapy approach. It contains elements
of many effective psychotherapies in structured protocols that are
designed to maximize treatment effects. These include psychodynamic,
cognitive behavioral, interpersonal, experiential, and body-centered
therapies2.
EMDR
psychotherapy is an information processing therapy and uses an eight
phase approach to address the experiential contributors of a wide range
of pathologies. It attends to the past experiences that have set the
groundwork for pathology, the current situations that trigger
dysfunctional emotions, beliefs and sensations, and the positive
experience needed to enhance future adaptive behaviors and mental
health."
"... a target
is identified and processed using EMDR procedures. These involve the
client identifying the most vivid visual image related to the memory (if
available), a negative belief about self, related emotions and body
sensations. The client also identifies a preferred positive belief. The
validity of the positive belief is rated, as is the intensity of the
negative emotions.
After
this, the client is instructed to focus on the image, negative thought,
and body sensations while simultaneously moving his/her eyes back and
forth following the therapist's fingers as they move across his/her
field of vision for 20-30 seconds or more, depending upon the need of
the client. Although eye movements are the most commonly used external
stimulus, therapists often use auditory tones, tapping, or other types
of tactile stimulation."
What you just read..."science, science, blah blah, EMDR, client, blah sciencey science". But this crap actually works. Well, I don't know if it works like it gets rid of my fear, but I know it does something to me during that session.
My therapist uses what they called tactile stimulation along with auditory stimulation. I have to put on these headphones from 1998 and a little 1"-long bulb in each hand. The headphones have a tone that go back and forth, I can choose the tone to go a range of speeds, whatever is comfortable, and at the same time, at the same speed, the bulbs vibrate.
During this time, she has me visualize a very specific event at which a plane flew over my head and subsequently had a panic attack. Normally, I can recall any event without it affecting me in the slightest. I could be telling you what I had for dinner last night it's that easy. But holy moly, thinking about the same plane occurrence with the stimuli, I actually have close to a full blown panic attack, as if a plane were in the freaking room. It's crazy. I kept hyperventilating and she had to tell me to take deep breaths. I was freaking out not only because of the panic attack, but I was kind of freaking out that I was no where near a plane and these stupid little vibrating balls were making me cry and having trouble breathing. I was so taken aback. I felt like a test subject. Or a mouse in a testing lab.
After my freaking out off and on for about 20 minutes, she still had the headphones and vibrating bulbs going, and she had me think of a very pleasant time when I was at a party, or when I was chilled out. I had to very specifically focus on the smell of the place, on the feel of the floor under my feet, what I was talking about, who I was talking to, etc. I couldn't believe the amount of relief I felt in just my face. I didn't realize how scrunched my face had been when I was thinking of the planes. I was so much calmer.
So what does this all do? It makes me have panic attacks? Cool. I'm doing this to STOP the panic attacks. I'm doing this so I DON'T drive off the road and kill myself of someone else. I'm doing this so I'm not horribly embarrassed when I fall down in the fetal position in a parking lot. So why am I going to therapy to be scared shitless? It's apparently worth it.
This type of therapy is supposed to rewire the brain, essentially. Instead of seeing a plane and firing along the same neuropathways to tell me to FREAK OUT, it rewires to fire along a different pathway to tell me to relax. The goal of EMDR therapy is to process these distressing memories, reducing their lingering effects and allowing clients to develop more adaptive coping mechanisms.
I've only had one session so far, and I go back for one in about two weeks. I'm pretty nervous just because I know for a fact that I will have a panic attack. After the session, you have what's called an EMDR hangover. I was exhausted just walking back to my hall. And then I sat in bed and watched about 4 episodes of Lost.
I know some of my friends also have irrational fears and I thought this might help keep y'all encouraged. It's scary as hell. I won't sugarcoat it. Just admitting that you need "help" (I hate that term) is the first scary step, but I'm banking that it will be worth it. I'll keep you posted.
In the meantime, keep away from any and all airports, airplanes, movies about planes, paper airplanes, and airplane drawings, kthnks.
E
This is my determined face...
