Things I want...
I want a new car.
I want a new phone.
I want to move out.
I want to lose weight.
I want a new computer.
I want new boots.
I want to stop wanting.
I cleaned out my closet/room months ago and had two big boxes of crap that I don't use or don't need in the back of my car. One of my friends took a lot of the clothes that she could use, which is awesome, but there was still a full box just riding along in the backseat. (I can't even remember what the hell was in that box now.) I kept meaning to take it to St. Francis and donate the rest but because it's on the other side of town, I just never got around to driving the extra 2.3 miles.
I was finally on that side of town this morning, or at least close enough with fluff time to jet over there and drop it off (which took a whopping 4 extra minutes of drive time that I just couldn't make previously...)
I have been to St. Francis many times before, so I knew pretty much what to expect ... homeless people walking around, biking around, or sitting on the sidewalk with their dog that has a dirty camouflage bandana around it's neck. It's dirty, it's quiet, and yet it's busy and bustling with people trying to cross the street, businessmen and women catching lunch at a hole-in-the-wall but delicious deli, the volunteer fire fighters washing the truck, and the inevitable man with dreadlocks down to his butt with 6 layers of dirty and ripped clothing on.
None of this was a surprise to me. I've worked downtown near (and in) the homeless shelters and I've seen some things I would rather un-see. I'm not saying I know EXACTLY what to expect, as I'm more often than not taken back at some of the scenes, but most of it isn't surprising considering the area.
Anyways, with that picture in your mind, I pulled into the drive for donations, rang the little doorbell with a sign that said "Please ring for general donations" right next to the sign that said "Food donations ONLY" on the slightly propped open blue-gray metal doors. I grabbed the "box of the forgotten and unknown" and opened the door because no one had answered my doorbell. I handed the box off to a man who seemed to be the um... main head guy (?) of donations, got back in my car, and started pulling away.
As I was pulling out of the drive, I looked to my left in a gated area that looked much like a dog kennel (a patch of grass, a slab of concrete, and a picnic table or two). But this dog park was a little different, because it had about 4 or 5 people walking around in it. The one person that caught my eye was a woman who looked to be in her late 40's, early 50's digging fervently in a thick and deep plastic blue bin on wheels. She had a drink (coffee?) in a small styrofoam cup in her left hand while she dug her way through items she deemed useless for her to the very bottom of the bin. Now, this image wouldn't normally spark anything in me... it's a woman looking for things she can use or wear ... not too out of the ordinary, right?
I kept pulling out of the drive and started turning onto the one-way road that lead to the main street and right in front of me on the opposite sidewalk was a man who was struggling to put on a sweatshirt. We locked eyes for a nanosecond, and I smiled politely and waved to him. He didn't acknowledge me at all, and went back to trying to put on (maybe take off??) his dusty green sweatshirt. He had a longer shirt on underneath this sweatshirt, and it had a massive hole on one side of it and I can guarantee that if you had put any of this clothes in a bin of water, the water would have turned a gross murky brown color, similar to iced tea.
Again, this is all normal to see downtown, and especially around a homeless shelter. What finally got to me and made me tear up slightly as I pulled away was how embarrassed I was of myself. But how embarrassed was the guy standing in front of me? His dreads were matted and not really dreads anymore, but rather matted kinky hair with years of filth knotted in, he was putting on a dirty sweater over an even dirtier shirt. The woman digging in the bin was literally caged in, and digging through stuff that people got rid of because it's unworthy of their ownership anymore but apparently good enough for the lower class ... her. How humiliating it must be to look through their eyes, watch a young woman in a clean Nike hat, nice sneakers, and a warm clean sweater drive way in her clean car with a full tank of gas? I would feel less than human.
I looked in my rear view mirror at the digging lady, back to the man, back to the woman, to the man, and then I look at myself. I am driving away in a fairly good car that has served me well for over two years, I have a wonderful home, and all the "realization of goods" stuff. Fill in the blank and use your imagination.
I felt guilty for having as much as I do and not appreciating it as often and as greatly as I should. The fact that I have multiple schools to choose from is more than most of these people will ever be able to say. The fact that I have a college degree is more than these people could probably ever say.
I like to think I really appreciate all the fresh, healthy food I have, the fact that I have money for gas, I am usually able to take the trips I want to, and I know for a fact that if I was ever in need that badly, I have so many family member who would be willing to take me in at the drop of a hat.
I know you're probably thinking this is a typical "appreciate what you have" blog post, and if it is to you, then fantastic. Take away from it what you will, I'm not lecturing anyone on how to be thankful for what you have. I do that plenty already. But that's not what it means to me. What I want to say ultimately is ...
Stop wanting.
Stop wanting phones. Stop wanting new clothes. Stop "needing" coffee. Stop "needing" alcohol. Stop wanting new shit that you will use for a little while and then upgrade, give or throw away. Stop teaching our kids to want new electronics. Stop teaching our youth to "need" crap that, in all honestly, they REALLY do not need.
You probably have everything you need. You probably don't NEED anything you WANT. I think your "crappy and slow" iPhone 4s with a $50 case that won't upload the picture of your new nails will call 911 when you need it to.
Stop it.
I hereby swear that I will make a conscious effort to stop wanting stuff and be more grateful for what I have, use what I have, and be happy with the plain fact that I HAVE IT.
